It should be noted that I don’t sit out these guys’ windows and watch them get into bed at night (anymore); I just wish I could turn myself into some hybrid of all of them so I could be fully awesome. Argue with this list. I dare you.
#5 – The Rock – Is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson somewhat irrelevant now? Absolutely he is. But back when he was doing his shtick with the WWF he was like the coolest guy I’d ever seen. The guy’s built like… well, like a professional wrestler… but he also played pro football, can sing, and is hilarious as well. Many, when he used to say he was going to turn things sideways and stick them straight up someone’s candy ass I used to just laugh and laugh. The eyebrow thing was awesome, too. Sure, his movies sucked, but does that mean I should love him less?
#4 – Dr. Gregory House – I get that he’s not technically a real person, and that Hugh Laurie (the actor that plays House) actually is a British comedian and not a devil-may-care gimpy doc with a penchant for insulting people whilst brilliantly solving cases across the board. I could live without the limp and addiction to pain killers, but I love watching someone be that good at a profession that specialized. I wish that I was instantly brilliant like that. I also wish I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. And most of all, I wish I had more really funny ways to insult those closest to me.
#3 – Brandon Boyd – With the recent release of “Black Heart Inertia” I’ve been rediscovering my love for Incubus. Not that it ever really retreated, but new songs just tend to reenergize me. You always like steak, for example, but when you don’t eat steak for a while and then get a juice 16-oz t-bone, it reminds you how much love you steak. For those of you who are a little slow when it comes to metaphors, Brandon Boyd is my steak.
I can’t say I have much desire for the gross dreadlock/molestache period of Boyd’s career, and he does more drugs than I’d care for, but his intelligence, artistic nature, and musical talent make him one of the best at what he does. If you’re still sleeping on Incubus, it’s time to wake the hell up. At the very least, buy “Make Yourself.” You won’t regret it.
#2 – Justin Timberlake – My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world, but Timberlake has “been” with some of the hottest broads in the business, from Cameron Diaz and Brittney Spears in their respective primes, to Scarlett Johanson and Jessica Biel. He even spent a couple months doinking Alyssa Milano, and none of this says anything for the multitudes of hot groupies he’s surely spent intimate time with over the years. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a resume.
But the fact that he can sing and dance so well helps too. I mean, it’s one thing to be pretty and get the ladies, but to have an actual talent bumps him up the list considerably. The dude’s just a stud. “Dick in a Box” and “Mother Lover” with Andy Samberg were the cherries on the proverbial sundaes for me.
#1 – Michael Jordan – My wife and I occasionally have discussions about what we would name future children (No, she’s not pregnant. Relax, gang), and the name Jordan came up the other night. In her mind it’s just a nice name for a boy; she suggested it and didn’t even make the connection. But if there’s a chance for me to name my little boy Jordan Brigham, you can best believe I’m jumping all over that. It’s His Airness, for goodness sake. I hear he’s a prick in real life (one of the only NBA players I have yet to add to my “Nice to Meet You” corral), but who cares. It’s Mike. I want to be like Mike.