And so, doing all I can to not sound like a pedophile, my top five childhood crushes:
#5 – Soleil Moon Frye (“Punky Brewster)” – This is probably the first crush I can actually remember having as a kid. My little six-year old hormones apparently had a thing for multiple bandanas wrapped around jeans. The pigtails were cute, the freckles were cute, and I vaguely recall enjoying the raspy quality of her voice. I was already a picky guy, even at so young an age. It helps that she grew up hot, too.
#4 – April O’Neil (“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”) – Okay, she’s a cartoon. I get it. But if she was cool with the Turtles, she was definitely cool with me. If we’re being real, April’s probably the second hottest cartoon chick ever (the obvious winner being Ariel of “The Little Mermaid” fame), hence my life-long affinity for the color yellow.
#3 – Anna Chlumsky (“My Girl”) – Because I looked almost exactly like Macauly Culkin when this came out, and because his character and Veda made such a cute couple in the film, I sort of lived vicariously through him. I used to have dreams about she and I holding hands, but that was the extent of the affection I had the gumption to show, even in my dreams. I was sort of a lame kid.
#2 – Nicole Eggert (“Charles in Charge”) – Other than April O’Neil, Eggert has probably held up the best of anyone on this list. She was hot as the oldest sister on “Charles in Charge,” and she’s hot now. Where most of the girls on this list were more “cute” in my book, Eggert was probably the first gal I ever considered to be “hot.” There’s a big difference, and reruns of “Charles” helped me realize that. Of all the great things Scott Baio has contributed to my life, bringing her to the limelight is by far the most valuable.
#1 – Larisa Oleynik (“The Secret World of Alex Mack”) – The show was weird, I’ll be straight up about that. I don’t remember many of Alex’s superpowers, but the main one was that she could turn into a puddle of liquid mercury and float under doors. God, what a lame concept, especially in retrospect. But at age 12 I was really starting to get some idea of what it meant to be in love, and this chick was probably my first real experience with that. She got hotter in a cameo on “Third Rock from the Sun,” and hotter still in “10 Things I Hate About You.” Her character may have been able to melt into a puddle of liquid mercury, but the thing she melted most, was my heart.
Now I’m sure this opens up some memories of your own, so hit up the comments section and your own childhood crushes. Come on. Don’t be shy. You know you want to…