Friday, May 22, 2009

Top 5 Alternate Names for My Cats

When Amy and I adopted our two cats at the end of last summer, we really didn’t spend a whole lot of time considering what to name the little goobers. Most of our discussion took place during the drive home from Petco, which eventually led us to BB King and Buddy Guy to pay homage to my two favorite blues artists. Amy has no real attachment to the blues, but she thought “BB” and “Buddy” were cute names. Now they pretty much go by “Beebs” and “Budman.”

Still, we’ve had moments of clarity in the several months since they became permanent members of our little family where we wondered whether we could’ve been more creative in the naming process. The following is a top-five list of names we may have chosen instead (even though we’re pretty happy with them.) Be mindful that when I say “we,” I mostly mean “I.” Amy never would’ve approved of most of these.

#5 – Ozzie & Albert – What two guys better personify the White Sox and Cardinals than Senor Guillen and big Albert Pujols? This would’ve turned our little guys into mascots, which would’ve been fun. Now that the White Sox suck, however, I would only be painfully reminded of my favorite team’s futility every time I spoke the little guy’s name. Cool idea, but I couldn’t handle that for the next fifteen years.

#4 – Pork & Beans – Personally, I just love the ring of it. Buddy—our chunkier orange cat—would definitely be “Pork.”

#3 – Davey & Goliath – I’d probably find someway to bastardize “Goliath” into something like “Go-go” or “Goalie,” but when we’d tell people the names we’d picked out, people would crack a smile every time. “What’s your cats’ names?” they’d ask, and we’d respond, “Davey and Goliath.” And then we’d all laugh and have a beer together, remembering all the times when we talked about our cats being named Davey and Goliath. What more could a guy want?

#2 – Kobe & LeBron – Two iconic sports names, and easily the two best players in the NBA right now. Those wouldn’t get old. Ever. Amy and I actually talked about this a few months back wondered if it was too late for us to change it. I mean, cats don’t answer to their names anyway. The only thing stopping us was that we’d put their names on our most recent Christmas card. We didn’t want to confuse people. Plus, ya know, BB and Buddy are pretty cool when you come right down to it.

#1 – Cartman & Butters – I say this in retrospect, knowing our cats’ personalities. Beebs is definitely the Cartman of the relationship, always getting into trouble and plotting up ridiculous schemes, and Buddy just sort of tags along like Butters, cute and innocent, and entirely unaware for all the trouble the other kid’s going to get them both into. I would love it if our cats had these names. I would laugh out loud all the time thinking about it.

At the end of the day, they are who they are, and we can’t really imagine calling them anything but what they are. Their names grow into their personalities, and eventually it’s just impossible to switch. Even if they were called “Poop” and “Pee” we’d still love them. Well, maybe not the one called “Poop.” That’s just gross.

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