Friday, May 29, 2009

Student Quotes, Spring '09

Ladies and gentlemen, your favorite and mine, the student quotes. As always, these are real things real students said. I love them, but come on... these are hilarious! Enjoy, and have a great weekend!

Alexis: “Are there exercises to make you get taller?”

Janson: “Hey Brigs, do you know how much snow we’re supposed to get tomorrow?”
Me: “No I do not.”
Janson: “Is it supposed to be a lot?”

English 2 was doing a vocabulary activity for the word “accolade.” To help them understand the word, I listed a few celebrities and asked them what accolades each would win. Garrett answered those questions as follows:
Kobe Bryant – MVP trophy
Tom Hanks – Golden Globe
Mariah Carey – Platinum Record
Miley Cyrus – Nothing she should die.

Lindsay, in the midst of a word puzzle exercise, asks her friend with a dictionary the following question: “Hey, can you check W-O-R-D in there and see if it’s a word?”

Then, when I repeat this story for kids on the other side of the room who heard me laughing, Brie looks around confusedly and says, “I don’t get it.”

Sami, responding to an assignment where I asked them to write a letter to their future child: “I don’t want kids. I used to think I wanted to adopt, but now I want them to remove my eggs and put them inside somebody else because I don’t want cankles.”

From student summaries of Washington Irving’s “The Devil and Tom Walker”:

Nathan: “He then went to Boston and became a user.” (It’s supposed to be usurer, someone who provides loans).

Megan: “Tom was really mean about being a load shark.”

Today we did a scavenger hunt using reference books from the library. One of the questions was who got the Oscar for best director in 1983. Almost every kid in the class wrote down “Tears of Endearment.”

Samantha, to Mr. Nordstrom (who had grown out his beard for no-shave November): “Mr. Nordstrom, you look like a homo.”
Nordstrom: “What did you say?”
Sam: “Hobo! I meant hobo!”

After answering “false” to the FFA agriculture week trivia question, “True or False: Corn originated in North America,” I asked Jake to explain why he’d answer that way. He responded, “Because corn didn’t originate in North America. It originated in Mexico.”

From Zach’s English 3 test, an essay question about how to improve verbal skills in a speech: “The way you talk determines your audience’s attention. If you talk in broken or slow words, your audience will be very bored. Now if you jump on stage and throw candy and put some spunk in your speech, that will get the audience entertained and assertive of what you are talking about.”

Tyler: “When speaking vocally…” (does it even matter what the rest of that sentence is?)

Mr. Hewitt (the Driver’s Ed teacher): “Hey Brigs, you’re looking better today. Strong, like Lance Armstrong.”
Me, joking: “That’s because I overcame cancer twice.”
Alexis, overhearing the conversation: “And he walked on the moon.”

From Darwin’s “Grizzly Man” paper: “Timothy Treadwell was very crazy and individual. I think he may have been retarded or something.”

Lindsay, asking about a “confusing” test question: “I know there were only two characters in the story ‘Berenice,’ but was Egaeus the boy or the girl?”
Me: “What was the title of the story again?”
Lindsay: “Berenice.”
Me: “…”
Lindsay: “Oh. Right.”

From Emilee’s storybook in Creative Writing: “And from that day on, Dr. Batty was vanished from the kingdom.”

Emilee’s vocabulary quiz: “I was told I need to be at school proximity five minutes early.”

We were giving award acceptance speeches in English 3 today, and Seth’s “Redneck Award” had me laughing so hard there were tears in my eyes:

“Thanks, Wink. There are many people to thank for this award. First, I want to thank my friend Wink for helping me gut, skin, and eat the animals I kill. Of course I want to thank my girlfriend Betsy, my four kids, Betty Lew, Bobby Jo, T-Bone, and Bubba, for filling me with the rage that I take out on small animals and other aspects of nature. I would also like to thank Wal-Mart for the $40,000 settlement they gave me for slipping on pee in the bathroom. They paid for my new truck, lift kit, big tires, and tank bumper. And even though they are using UFO’s to watch me, I would also like to thank the government because they are paying my bills because I’m disabled. Most of all, I would like to thank the RRR for this prestigious award. It is the greatest honor a guy with a fifth grade smart level could receive. My grandma always told me, “If you don’t graduate grade school you won’t be anything.” You were wrong, grandma. I’m now a record breaker, and I added to my record on the way here. I hit a herd of deer on Route 66. Thank you.”

Lindsay, in a class where we ended up talking about interracial relationships: “I’m not really attracted to Asian guys, but I would still marry one just so I can have Jon and Kate Plus Eight babies.”

Alex: “What is time but an inconsequential measurement of… um… time?”
Me: “You were screwed halfway through that sentence.”

From Mr. Hewitt: A couple of gems from Doug in the Driver Ed. car today:

Doug: “Yeah, me and my dad were in Minier yesterday.”
Me: “Oh really, Doug. And just what were you and your Dad doing in Minier?”
Doug: “Just checking out the scene. Looking at tractors.”
Me: (laughter)

30 seconds later…

Doug: “There's a funny story about one of our cows.”
Me: “Do tell, Doug, do tell.”
Doug: “It got stuck in the birth canal too long. It's retarded. We had to pull it out.”
Me: (stunned silence followed by...) “That is quite a funny story, Doug.”

Chase, a sophomore Creative Writing student of mine, was writing a short story where four teenagers were camping in the woods and illegally consuming alcohol. Completely ignorant to how much alcohol is required to successfully inebriate four high school kids, he wrote that the group had packed along “Four 24-packs of beer and four bottles of vodka.” He apparently was hoping the autopsy would turn up with a BAL of 0.65.

From a batch of Becky’s research papers:

“It was here her two sisters became fatly ill with tuberculosis.”

“One of Sense and Sensibility’s moral lesions is the battle between greed and the heart.”

Doug: “Olive Garden is about as fancy as it gets.”

Doug: “What’s your favorite meal—breakfast, lunch, or dinner?”
Chara: “Lunch, probably.”
Doug: “Me too. Well, lunch and supper. And sometimes when you go to a restaurant for breakfast. And cinnamon rolls.”

From Melissa’s research paper on the California Gold Rush: "Gold fever was something common that people got in the west, but no one died from it."

Some more quotes from Becky’s little cherubs:

“Darwin was the psychologist Sigmund Freud. His theory of evolution and his own psychoanalysis had resulted in an affront to mankind’s na├»ve egoism.”

“Jane Austen grabbed hold of her rip writing atmosphere and took flit into an age defying author.”

Frank: “Did he get suspended?”
Me: “Yup.”
Frank: “Did he get suspelled?”
Me: “You mean expelled?”
Frank: “Whatever. Did he?”

Me: “Okay, Caitlin, it’s your turn to give your movie pitch.”
Caitlin: “I wrote it last night but I forgot to bring it with me to school.”
Me: “Well you still have to pitch it, kiddo.”
Emilee Mohr: “Just go up and there and talk out of your butt.”
Caitlin, stone serious and absolutely confused: “How am I supposed to talk out of my butt?”

Some more of Becky’s, from a “Jane Eyre” paper:

“The social class of Jane Eyre and of Victorian England is similar. They are both very difficult social class times.”

“Women were also the ones who were the most mistreated because of feminism.”

“In Victorian England time there was many different leaves of classes you could be in.”

Hayden: “Malcom married his sister Betty X in 1958 in Lansing, Michigan. His was very weird to read and think about. But I guess it was popular back then to marry a sibling.” (He clearly misunderstood what the book meant by “sister.”)

Me: “And what does narcotic mean?”
Crystal: “Isn’t that like when someone falls asleep uncontrollably?”


Ann said...

I love these. They make me feel so much better about my own students.

AdamH said...

"Tom is really mean about being a CHoad shark."

Nikki Elder said...

seriously, how do you even grade some of their work? i would not even know where to start?!? i can tell too, that you are definitely teaching in a BIG city school! hahaha :)

Extreme Brigs said...

My kids are awesome. Be nice! Just being at an age where they feel really smart and start using big words, they screw it up sometimes. And THAT'S where the hilarity comes in :)

Anonymous said...

why aren't you this funny in class?

Anonymous said...