Friday, April 24, 2009

Top 5 Crappiest Vegetables

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me that I’d like vegetables a lot more when I got older. Well, I’m older, and I still hate damn near every edible veggie that exists. I can do some of the basics, like carrots, peas, broccoli—but there are even more that disgust me to no end. I have always said that onions and peppers have ruined more foods than anything else I can think of, but I can’t put them on my list of worst vegetables because the flavor is okay. It’s the texture I can’t stand.

What you see below are foods that both taste gross and feel gross in your mouth. Even just writing that previous sentence felt gross somehow. And that’s exactly why I hate vegetables so much. Here’s the list:

#5 - Cooked Spinach – I can do cold spinach in a salad because it tastes essentially the same as lettuce. It’s crisp and refreshing. But if you’ve ever gotten a chicken sandwich at a fast food place with lettuce that had been sitting under the heating lamp for thirty minutes, you know that cooked lettuce is friggin’ nasty. To me there’s no differentiation between that and cooked spinach.

#4 – Asparagus – I know two things about asparagus: one, there are lot of people who absolutely love how this stuff tastes, and two, it’s supposedly makes your pee smell really, really bad. If you like the taste, then foul-smelling urine is a fair tradeoff. But if you can’t stand the taste it’s like you’re losing twice.

#3 – Squash – It’s all stringy and mushy, like eating sand pudding with human hair mixed in for texture. Also, it smells and tastes like cooked vomit. With the right ingredients added, it can even look like cooked vomit. Pumpkin pie is as close to any sort of squash dish I’ll eat, and I’ll be honest—I’m not even a huge fan of that.

#2 – Cauliflower – There are a lot of people who are surprised that I dig broccoli but not cauliflower, but the taste is what turns things off for me. Broccoli at least goes good with cheese, but the white twin doesn’t go good with anything. It doesn’t even go good with candy, and everything goes good with candy. Especially more candy.

#1 – Brussel Sprouts – My father used to feed us these periodically, constantly telling us that they were so delicious if we’d just give them try. Well, it’s like sucking on a little ball of hot soggy lettuce, which I’ve already described. The only difference is that instead of just sucking down the warm, wet leaves, you actually have to chew into a semi-solid mass of brussel sprout to get it to where you can actually swallow it. King of gross. Duke of gross. Earl of gross. Gross.

This has been exercise in dieting. I have now lost my appetite for the remainder of the day. Just water and candy for me.

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