Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Top Ten Chick Flick Themes

For the record, I didn't write this, but I laughed out loud today reading it while my students were working quietly. They all thought I was retarded.

This comes from espn.com's Page 2, which is all editorial stuff, and the author is a guy named Bill Simmons, who is one of my favorite humor writers right now. This is part of a longer article about how awfully bad "Fever Pitch" was. He was classifying it as a "chick flick" when he went into a rant about "the 10 generic themes that invariably show up in any chick flick." And here they are (enjoy!):

"1. You can't meet the man of your dreams in a bar or at a party. It only happens either if he randomly shows up in your office, if he made some sort of bet about you, if he saved your life or if you happen to be impersonating someone else at the time.

"2. If you're approaching 30 and you're still single, it's only because you're working too hard, not because there's something wrong with you. Just make sure you find a potential husband as fast as possible, even if it means destroying someone else's life or committing some kind of crime.

"3. In your search for love, always target schoolteachers, bartenders, widowers, or anyone who was once successful before hitting a stretch of bad luck. This way, when they finally turn their lives around or come into some money, they'll erroneously think that you were the reason.

"4. If you're dating someone who is passionate about something, he will absolutely give that up for you because all men change once they fall in love. Especially if you have a nice apartment.

"5. You can have only three friends: A smart friend who's pretty in a quirky way, a calculating beauty who's morally corrupt and an overweight girl who doesn't say much. You can only hang out with these people all at once. If there's anyone in your life who doesn't fit one of those three categories, get rid of them.

"6. Your boyfriend's friends only get in the way. The sooner you can destroy them, the better.

"7. If you become pregnant, don't worry – you won't actually have the baby. It's just a temporary dilemma so you can break up for a month and he'll realize that he can't live without you – mainly because you pushed away his friends and ruined his life.

"8. If you're breaking up with the guy to prove a point, immediately find the best-looking guy in your office and invite him over to dinner, then hope the other guy shows up. When he shows up, he won't do anything vengeful like get drunk and hook up with the nearest bimbo. He'll simply stop shaving and showering until one of his friends goes over to his house to snap some sense into him.

"9. When you finally get back together, make sure it happens in the goofiest place possible – whether it's a baseball stadium, the top of a skyscraper, the launching of a space shuttle or wherever.

"10. Either you will end up living happily ever after, or you will find a deep friendship with a gay man that will end up being just as satisfying."

I've seen my fair share of chick flicks, so as a guy, this was extremely fun for me to read! And, I know many of you are waiting for my next installment of "The Best of Forgotten Television," and I promise you, it'll be posted within 48 hours! I'd do it tonight, but I'm going to be busy watching "The Notebook."

Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine. His Sports Guy's World site is updated every day Monday through Friday

***

Quote of the Day:

A student, after I just told her and two of her friends to change seats because the three of them were being too noisy together: "Why do we have to move?"
Me, justifying my decision: "Because, you guys are a rough threesome today."

I'm an idiot, but it's not as bad as when one of my high school teachers messed up "Huck Finn."

Think about it.

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